Winter Solstice

Joyous Yule! I hope this finds your hearth and home peaceful, warm and inviting. It is hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone so fast. The older I get, the faster time flies.

Eugene, Oregon has proven to be all that I imagined, and then some. I ventured here with only an idea of what to expect; two brief, but delightful email correspondences with Nana from my new Sangha (my Buddhist community); my car and what belongings fit inside; two cats; my friend Kendra along for an adventure of her own; and a few thousand dollars. I had never been here (never been to Oregon actually; only ever saw it from the windows of an airplane), knew no one personally, had no place to live, no job…just the faith to follow the synchronicity of information and events that flowed unsolicited into my awareness for the previous two years. Amazing!

I brought in the Solstice Eve with a hike up Spencer’s Butte last evening to watch the sun set over the WillametteValley. Our hiking group consisted of seven brave souls who trekked to the summit through fog and sporadic rain into a shrouded world. Upon arrival we donned extra layers, hats and gloves and jackets, and waited in anticipation of the sunset.

And then the fog rolled out… briefly… revealing the hills and snow-capped South Sisters peaks in the eastern distance, the valley blanketed in clouds below us… and the fog rolled back in. The game of hide-n-seek continued for about ten minutes as we all took advantage of the photo op with digital and cell-phone cameras. Stunning!

Our descent back to our cars was equally surprising. Usually by the time we are half-way down we are enveloped in darkness and create a line of bouncing headlamps, but not this evening. The bare-branched trees allowed more light to reach our path while the fog dispersed that light into a twilight haze, allowing us to reach bottom before complete darkness wrapped its long arms around each of us. Beautiful!

Today the sun is shining quite nicely, the thermometer hovering around 38*F. The much-promised rain of Oregon has remained at bay thus far, but appears ready to make its appearance on Christmas Day. And then I will get to fully experience the wonder of my new home – rain for weeks on end, no sun in sight. I actually find myself quite excited for it; something new to add to the details of my journey.

In Eugene I have found my home, and as I write this I am looking to move my physical location (by Feb 1^st) into a more appropriate space for Orion, Thor and me. I have found permanent, full-time employment. I have found my Sangha, and I have found my hiking, camping and all-around outdoor community. I have made a few new, good friends. I have arrived. I am home. The journey continues….

My wish for you and yours ~ May you enjoy the present moment.  It is a wonderful moment.             

Light & Love, Susanna

webs

I awoke this morning to fog…a wonderfully dense, rich gray fog that cloaked the world outside my window. Walking out the front door, being enveloped in the blanket of stillness, I wrapped my wool coat snuggly around me and breathed in the moisture of the clouds hugging the earth.

A hot cup of green tea in hand I actually thought about returning inside for a pair of gloves, but decided to proceed and fully experience the gorgeous morning, chilly fingers and all. My breath wafted out before me, wrapping itself with the fog around my head, swirling behind me as I strolled to work.

But wait, there’s more…the most amazing part of the morning…hundreds of miniature spider webs threaded amongst every branch of the shrubs along my path. Amazing, intricate webs covering the tips of the leaves and branches: what an industrious process each night, a gathering of resources for the cold weather ahead.

I think what impressed me the most was that when I wandered home for lunch four hours later, ALL of the miniature webs were gone. For all the hard work put in the night before, nothing remained. I am excited to rise tomorrow morning to see whether the webs have been recreated.

Until then….

home vs home

I have spent much of the day pondering the concept home.  

I am at home on the west coast.

I am at home in the Pacific Northwest.

But alas, my current living arrangement is not home

as it occurred to me that I long to have friends over

for tea

for wine

for dinner

for….

…now

home is a generalized place

wherein I dream and work

toward that other place

called home.

bucket list, afterlife, and box of moonlight

I recently went hiking in Opal Creek, my favorite at this point in my two days shy of three months in Oregon. It is a beautiful hike through what used to be a mining community and is now a reminder of days of old, of the practice of throwing things away that still have use and value that we continue to maintain today. And magically flowing through all of the machinery and cast iron stoves, through homes of decay and newly built, runs a creek of magnificent color and opportunity for adventure.

an amazing first

Specifically I speak of the adventure of sliding down a natural rock waterslide, through cold rushing water pooling for a final frigid splash. A hiking buddy from our meetup group took video of all of us as we played on this waterslide, and graciously posted it to youtube as a joyous reminder of the fun we had. A dear friend, after watching the video asked if it was on my bucket list, or should have been, and well, the thinking started.

Now, I saw the movie “Bucket List” a few years ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. I even toyed with the idea of creating a bucket list of my own, for a brief moment. Then I proceeded with my life, carrying on from day to day and didn’t really think much more of it. Until now….

day's end

But that leads to the next part of the heading of this post…afterlife. Perhaps I should have titled this post, ‘movies I have seen’ because ”Afterlife” is a movie I just watched a few days ago. It is a Japanese film that asks the question, “If you can only take one memory with you from this life into eternity, which one would you choose?”  Interesting question, whether you are 15 or 97. Would it be from childhood or adulthood, a place, or a person?

And then yesterday I watched “Box of Moonlight” which is the tale of a man who spontaneously drives away from his life to search for something lost from childhood, a feeling, an experience, and in the process stumbles, almost quite literally, into his life, his real life, his present life. How many times have I, have you, tried to escape from the current reality of your life, whether literally, figuratively, or in any other mind-numbing form because it wasn’t what you imagined or planned? Only to find, of course, that the illusive “IT” is right in front of you.

forest fire smoke filtered sunset

So returning to the question Bonnie put before me, in the end, no I do not have a bucket list. I thought about creating one, but then I wondered if there are opportunities that I would miss in the pursuit of fulfilling a list that frankly, I may or may not ever get around to following through on. Let’s face it, almost all of us, myself included, have made lists of resolutions, intentions, or goals of things that we wanted to do, attain or achieve. But how many of the items on those lists do we not do, attain, or achieve, whether out of forgetfulness, laziness, or life just happening? Don’t get me wrong, I am all for setting goals and having a plan, but I also know that in my life specifically, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has turned out as I have planned it and goals have been fulfilled in very different and much lengthier time-frames than expected.

Sure, there are places I want to see and experiences I hope to have, but at the end of the day, life is. We can fill our boxes with pictures, ideas, moonlight…we may even be able to complete most of the things on our list. But what may we have missed because our vision was too narrow, our longings like blinders shadowing the present view, our life a list on paper?

And at the end, what one memory would I choose if this were my final breath and I actually got the opportunity to choose just one?

sun beams and bows

I believe for me it is a feeling that I have experienced many times over.  That feeling of contentedness that comes from taking the chance to experience something new that I have never put on any list that I have ever made over the years. That feeling of joy that comes from making a decision to change my life and the freedom that it gives me from my thoughts about ‘what if.’  That feeling of peace at any given moment when I realize this is a good life of wonderful people, beautiful earth, and the fact that I am fortunate to be incarnate to enjoy it all.

post a day 2011

Something new, although not really

joining the ”post a day” challenge

to tempt n’ tease the muse

and share the journey.

sunset on Spencer's Butte

Comments and likes

as always

are welcome.

Peace!

waiting

autumn's arrival

It is amazing just how challenging the simple act of waiting can be. Waiting to move, waiting for medical results, waiting to hear after a job interview. I am of course specifically referring to the latter, and I must admit it is taking every ounce of my faith, courage and conviction to wait. I have always been a little (depending on the event, a lot) impatient about waiting for things to come to fruition. Call me a control freak if you will, but I believe I am equally a part of my culture…that American social structure of instant gratification, instant results, instant oatmeal.

It’s like that bar of chocolate I buy that has eight squares and I tell myself I will be disciplined and enjoy one square each day, delighting in the firmness as I bite into it, savoring the chocolate as it melts on my tongue. And after that first square I find myself tempted to have another, and if I am not careful I have eaten the whole thing in one evening. While that may not necessarily be a bad thing on occasion, it still illustrates the dilemma of waiting.

Waiting for the results from a job interview, I find I am more frustrated with each day that passes, wondering, “Did I answer that question the right way?” “How many other candidates were interviewed?” “Will I be offered the job?” “Will I get home to an impersonal letter in the mail thanking me for my time and “good luck in the future.”  

stormy skies

Then the next wave of emotion crashes down, filled with questions of “Did I make a mistake giving up my jobs and apartment, packing up my life and heading west to a destination of choice, not based around a job, but a desire to live where I want to live?” “Was I a fool to traipse into the unknown with only a couple thousand dollars and no idea where I would land and what I would do when I did?”

Deep inhale….

I take a moment to consciously connect to my breath, to exhale slowly, to allow the next inhale to naturally happen, to slow down my thoughts by focusing on my breath and the present moment.

 

And what I find is peace.

Perhaps the need to cry….

Not to cry out of sadness, but out of fear of the unknown and simultaneously for the courage I had to actually follow my heart and make a bold step out into the world to follow my bliss. Yeah, I will admit it is scary and exciting, that it evokes anxiety and anticipation, that I have no idea what will come next… but I am willing to persevere and take the amazing opportunities, employment and social, that this journey has to offer.

opportunity

 

And so

 

I continue

 

to wait…

Simplicity

…it really is a rather difficult word to define. I find myself daily attempting to create a simpler life, which is rather ironic given that I am not sure that there is much more to do to make it any simpler. As you all know, if you’ve been following my journey, I don’t really have much in the way of material belongings. The only new acquisitions to my life since arriving in Eugene are a hydration day-pack and trekking poles for the weekly, or biweekly hikes I take, a bicycle and the appropriate gear to make it daily commute/weather ready and safe, and one book: Chanting From the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh and the Monks and Nuns at PlumVillage. In truth, I am still quite capable of moving within the confines of my car, with perhaps a bike-rack attached to the rear.

I suppose I should preface my current delving into simplicity with the fact that for the first time since I left North Carolina I am in solitude. I have had the house that I rent a room in completely to myself (Orion & Thor included) for the last 24 hours and I am fully enjoying the solitude. I cleaned my room at 10:30 last night without worrying about waking a house-mate. I slept in this morning without being awakened by the landlady at 4:20am as she fusses about the house without regard for the fact that I am sleeping (she is deaf and therefore is not conscious of the amount of noise she makes). Okay, truth is the cats have me up at 5:15am everyday (who needs a clock), but by 7:30 they were curled up on either side of me and we all slept until10:30…absolutely decadent!

I have had the opportunity to lounge around the house, more than just my room, without worry that I would be interfering with someone else’s schedule, and without hiding from the landlady and her need to constantly talk and ask questions and make endless requests to do something or another for her as “volunteer” work. It has just been me, my thoughts and my breath.

Admittedly, I found that the better part of the afternoon I was restless in my own company. I had no hikes to attend, no need to rush out and do laundry as I did it last night, no need to clean (with the exception of the cat’s litter box and mat). I had the time to wake up slowly and quietly, to make pancakes and tea, to sit and enjoy breakfast and watch a movie. I have enjoyed a simple bike ride to smell some delicious purple roses a block from home and pick up some ice cream. And it is only now, some 24 hours after the realization of solitude and quiet that I am finally feeling as if the edge has been removed and I can enjoy the peace of my home.

While it is not exactly cold out today, 70 and mostly cloudy, it is definitely cool, and soup just sounded welcoming, like home. I found myself standing in the kitchen to cook up some chicken to put with my salad and realized that soup was really what I wanted. Whatcha Got Soup! I put a chicken breast with some rosemary and olive oil into the pot of water, added some yellow potatoes, heirloom tomatoes, fresh corn cut off the cob, carrots, yellow bell pepper, onion, garlic, basil, thyme, oregano, paprika, cracked red pepper, fresh ground back pepper, a little sea salt and a bay leaf and the aroma of a fresh pot of soup instantly transported me in time to days when life certainly wasn’t any easier or simpler, but as memory serves felt easier and simpler.

So now I have this wonderfully small, simple pot of soup on the stove (for those who know my cooking you would be impressed at just how small). And beside me a cup of lemon ginger tea as I ponder my life through the passage of my past as it leads to the present. I realize that it is less the concept of simplicity I long for and more the reality of stability that I am in need of finding. The illusory simplicity of the past is just that, illusion. Life back then was certainly challenging, filled with years of anxiety and stress, worries about the future, the past crashing down around me, threatening to suffocate me if I did not come out of hiding from it and deal, head-on, plunging into deep waters of emotion and grief and frustration and sadness and abandonment.

Today, that work is completed, with perhaps brief reminders to stay mindful and present when the seeds of habit energy surface and require my attention to breath and weed the garden of my life. What I find I am in need of today is the stability of permanent full-time employment, which will lead to finding a peace and serenity in living arrangements better suited to my personality (and the cats) and needs for solitude, quietude… home.

So for now I return to the present moment, this beautiful space of tranquility, and a fresh, hot bowl of chicken soup.

For truly, there is nothing but the present moment, and in this moment…life is simple.

bicycle

i forgot just how great it is to ride a bicycle. i recently got on a bike for the first time in nearly 5 years and a flood of memories rushed in. some of those memories came from my sore bottom after sitting on a bicycle seat for 2 hours. some came from the flow of wind rustling through my hair, across my face, whistling sometimes loudly in my ears. 

 i return to memories from my youth, growing up in a household where my mother could not afford a car leaving us to bicycle subsistence. i rode to trader joe’s last weekend and found i had not lost my ability to balance grocery bags dangling from the handlebars. at least now the bags are cloth and therefore do not shred, leaving its contents in the gutter, after catching the spokes of the front tire.

owosso bridge on the willamette at sunset

as i race down the river trail path, lowering my torso as low to level with the handlebars to pick up as much speed as possible through a declining set of curves, i am reminded of early morning rides racing down the streets from The Point in my hometown. the exhilaration of knowing that one wrong bump along the road and you are down for the count, road-rash and all; the roar of the wind as it rushes over my body, competing today with the rush of river to my right.

and then there is the memory of the first time i rode solo, no training wheels, no adult guidance or supervision, and drove my bike headlong in a hedge of roses, thorns and all. today though, there is no sting, only the joy of being on two wheels, my body working as it was raised to work, pedaling along this path of life.

change

working from the premise that

change is good

sunset

 

of course change

being the direction

i have taken

strength...resilience...fortitude

leaving behind that which gives comfort

to journey into

new worlds

daily changes in

living

dreams

perspective

within which

the format for the journey

changes

and yet

remains the same

as always at home in the great outdoors

water

from above

the

beginning

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

salt creek falls

286' oregon's second tallest waterfall

 

cascade behind the trees

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the

middle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

diamond creek falls

up close

 

 

 

top end of the trek

 

 

 

fall

creek

falls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a

doozy

to

get

here

 

 

 

 

water falls or waterfalls

 

does the water fall or is it a waterfall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the

end